On tumblr I saw a post talk about a gay anime called Bloom Into You and I was bored and meaning to watch it anyways, so I did and I've got a lot of feels bc damn.
I haven't been in a relationship since, like 3 (this year 4) years ago. My last relationship was really shitty and abusive. I always talk about that but not today, not this post. The last time I felt love was last year when I was like so obsessed with one of my friends who doesn't talk to me anymore, especially after I confessed to her in a poem. We bonded a lot in the short time we knew each other. It was really nice.
In Bloom Into You (spoilers ahead bc i'll be talking about it!) the character Yuu reminded me of my friend. My friend was really shy and timid and it just seems like she'd be the type to relate to Yuu. Those parts where she's just reaching in the ocean? I interpreted as she feels distant to everyone else. I remember me and my friend had this conversation that she doesn't know what love is, how it's supposed to feel. That moment I wanted to somehow show it to her. But I knew that I would feel it, and she wouldn't because she doesn't know. And it made me a little sad because she doesn't know how it feels to be in love? I really wanted her to feel it, what I've felt in the past. Watching Bloom Into You really made me long for...someone.
Since I was abused, I never really felt able to, like, love someone physically, in the sex way. I felt like I was damaged and that I could never recover from it. I would imagine someone touching me in a loving way, by the hand or something, and I would cringe inside. This deep set fear would spiral me down into a hole, and I imagined myself rolling up into a ball in front of this person. And in my imagination, they knew all the details of what happened to me and just love me. In Bloom Into You, Touyo says something about that Yuu can't love the things she hates about herself. I felt that. In my imaginary situation, I'd relish in this person loving me despite my hate for myself and my supposed broken-ness. But at the same time, I'd stop myself from relishing in that imagination, because it seems impossible that someone would love me like that. I find that that person who loves me despite my past and my supposed broken-ness shouldn't be someone else to lift that burden off me. It should be me.
During Christmas, my sister visited and she asked me what my resolution for 2019 should be. I told her I don't know. I'd seen so many posts in the fediverse about peoples resolutions, anti-resolutions, and just general hope-posts about 2019. The ones I see every year were there: We're gonna be positive this 2019! We're gonna spread love this 2019! We're gonna start a revolution this 2019! The one that felt true to my heart was one I agreed on 4 days into the new year.
I'm gonna be that lover. I'm gonna be the one who loves me despite me being broken by someone who has their own issues.
My last therapy session was intense and eye opening for me. I've never really had a therapist before that was like so forward with what she wanted me to understand. I kept saying the same old thing, like a broken record. I think she got tired of me saying the same old thing. At one point I told her something that happened that week that really got me down and I just started crying and she was quiet for a second and asked me "Is that where your suicidal thoughts come from?" And I was like...well they did come around? Idk I guess. And she adjusted in her seat and started saying all these things that I've thought of that concluded to: I have to empower myself. All that strength didn't come from someone else, or no one/nowhere. I should be proud to be me. I'm all like I already am like I call myself gay and proud, nb and proud, trypophobic and proud, etc. But that's just me being, idk, proud to be x identity (except the tryophobia one that's not an identity at all lmao).
The lack of confidence I have isn't incidental. It isn't because I don't have it in me to bring up my self esteem. I mean, well. Ok, what I mean is that, I could be confident, I just don't let myself be it. Because I've internalized the abuse I've endured. Like between my ex and my mother, I have plenty to go around. Like the title of this blog is an act of defiance against that, as well as conforming around it as well. Irony? Sarcasm? No idea.
After my therapy session, my therapist suggested I should go to a cafe and eat breakfast while apply to more jobs. Go somewhere new. That wasn't exactly what I did, but I did eat breakfast and go to a cafe, eh, starbucks. And I dug through jobs and collected a pile on my browser and that little voice: You're not good enough for this job. You're not qualified. No one wants a depressed bitch up in their org. No one wants you.
And you know what? Me applying to those jobs was an act of self love. At least I consider that to be it. No one was going to amp me up to tell someone why I'm worthy of being an employee. I had to do it myself. My sister says there's only one type of love and that's the love from her God above. I honestly have not seen that happen. That love feels like the love from my fantasy lover, the one who loves me despite everything. And sometimes the love I give to myself feels like that too. Especially when mother speaks to me. But I have to learn that if she won't love me, we'll I'll have to grow my own motherly love with myself. Meaning serving myself tea when I'm cold and taking my medicine when I have to and making myself pancakes with little smiles made out of eggs and bacon.
I often feel like no one loves me. I can't depend on my family to let me know that anymore. I can't depend on friends either.
(lmao I don't need friends, they disappoint me)
I have to give myself courage to love myself. And that means I have to lovingly critique myself as well. Like, hey Raph, you haven't taken a shower in days why don't you take a bubble bath? I'll start the bath for you. Because no one's going to do that for me. And, in ways, I'm like I love a lot. I have a lot of love in me. What am I holding that for? And why can't I give some to myself?
When I watched Bloom Into You, every they kissed (especially when they made out) I longed for that. Maybe because I'm touch starved. I want to believe that. And one of the title screens said "The distance between kissing and love" or something like that. I'm like huh. My small innocent heart was like you can kiss someone without love??? Like it doesn't have to strictly be romantic love, but you've never kissed someone on the cheek that you love in a non-romantic love way???
I lost track of my thought train because of Billie Eilish's idontwannabeyouanymore which I listened to endlessly in the new year. I read somewhere that it's about her hate for herself and how she doesn't wanna be her anymore. "If I love you was a promise, would you break it if you're honest?" Shit goes deep.
Anyways I'm a touch starved gay enby and I want a kiss please love me kthxbai.